journey

Acceptance: A self portrait journey

I’ve had the hardest time drawing myself, period. Therefore, I challenged myself to try and embarked on a self portrait journey.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been uncomfortable with my body and my self esteem. Burdened by anxiety and judgment, I became my own worst critic. I still am to this day.

Growing up as one of the few people of Asian descent in a predominantly White community, I longed for more Western features. I would wish that my hair and eye color would lighten and the shape of my eyes would widen. In addition to my outlier status, during my formative years, I was also overweight and taller than most which impacted my self confidence. Therefore, I chose to shun my Asian identity. I tried to act more White. The show “Fresh off the Boat” resonates so well with my upbringing. Check it out, it’s a great show.

I clearly remember this one instance in the first grade when I realized I was not like the others. A classmate of mine had asked me if I was Chinese or Japanese without any prompting. Sadly, they also pulled their eyelids taut to mimic small Asian eyes. I explained that I was Korean which lies between China and Japan. I’ve experienced bigoted followups from individuals after that ultimately racist question of “Where do you come from? No, where do you really come from?” with “Oh, are you from the North or the South?”. I’ve always been very aware of my “other” status. It is an awareness that I carry with me everyday.

I learned to present myself as “American”. When in a social situation with strangers, I learned to smile and speak first. I did this to stop the assumption that I didn’t speak English simply because I look different from the others in the room.

After many years of trying to seem more Western, I decided to embrace my Korean-American identity. I became obsessed with K-pop, dramas and Korean skincare. I started cooking foods that my mother would make for our family everyday. These were the feel good meals that I ended up craving after I moved across the country and away from my entire family and relatives.

As an adult, I reflect and see that the world has changed, but not very much. Something I look back at nostalgically are American Girl dolls. When I was a child, there was a limited group of dolls to choose from. All were White. My American Girl doll was Felicity. A spunky redhead from the Colonial period. She is now banished to the attic of my parent’s house, mainly from my fear of living dolls. That was a crazy segue, amirite? Then the first customizable American Girl dolls were released where you could make a doll that looked just like you. What an innovation! Honestly, if I had a role model that looked like me while I was growing up, I think I would have grown into a more secure woman. And that’s the truth.

Currently in 2019, the Korean wave is impacting trends worldwide. This is something I never would have dreamed to be true when I was younger. I am torn in many ways about the Korean wave and its impact. I am glad that there are people who look like me who are in demand and influencing others. On the other hand, I also feel like Korean culture is the hot new thing. Something exotic and somewhat treated as a spectacle.

Because of my struggles with my self identity and self worth, I decided to use self portraits as a stepping stone in my own self acceptance journey. As I look at my reflection in a mirror, as I review my face and body in photos, I learn to appreciate the “flaws” that I used to hate. My freckles and moles are now considered beauty marks. My mismatched eyelids (one has a double lid while the other is single) make my face more interesting. My large lips are deemed envy worthy and can only be given by God or a plastic surgeon. My eyes aren’t just dark brown, they have a brightness in them that illuminates sometimes. And my body whose weight has fluctuated so much through my 3 decades of life has taught me to appreciate that it is both strong and flexible, carrying me through this life and the years to come.

Mother of the Year, 11x14” mixed media piece

Within my work, I’ve learned to incorporate pieces of my background as clues for the viewer. I try to show authentic emotions, such as the feelings of despair during the struggles to conceive a child in “Mother of the Year” or propping myself up and presenting myself as a Korean queen in “RBF: Resting Bitch Face”. Although I do not descend from royalty, so far as I know, I can treat myself like I am, the Head Bitch in Charge.

I feel that my self portraits are therapeutic. As I take time and look at myself, I learn that my features have shaped my life experience. Something that solely belongs to me.

I chose to display my anxieties and joys on a canvas or a piece of paper. I can then look back at the finished piece and feel accomplishment. Once done, I then put the piece away, and that physical act of archiving my work is so freeing.

I believe this self portrait movement of mine will be a lifelong journey of acceptance. I wish to grow and reflect as I embark on more joys and heartaches. I hope you follow along with me on this enlightening journey. Namaste.

Finding my niche

Back on the topic of self discovery. I've been experimenting lately and trying to find my niche within the art world which is ever evolving. I was set on doing oil paintings of people's pets at one point. Then I experimented with cityscapes and enjoyed doing those. And then my husband got me into nerdy paintings and drawings of video game characters. 

I've been feeling this pressure to carve out a space in this vast vast world of art. When you think of the greats, you think of their masterpieces and the movements that they helped promote. Monet had his Impressionism and his lily pads at Giverny. Hopper had his cityscapes and landscapes. I ask myself everyday, what is my thing? 

My drawing of Kiki from Kiki's Delivery Service.

My constant frustrations and eagerness to push myself further and faster are my double edged swords. It drives me and motivates me but it also hinders me. At the moment I'm really into using art markers and pens. I can quickly sketch out something and then color it in with my Copics. I feel like it gives me the instant gratification that I can not necessarily get from oils.

Evolving as an artist is an uncomfortable feeling. It is so natural to be complacent but trying something so different and foreign can be a great thing. I noticed how my skills had improved when I made myself paint my first cityscape. It opened up a whole new focus for me and enhanced my views on perspectives. 

My latest rendition of a Sailor Moon character.

I've always loved anime and cartoons. I've envied anybody who can easily draw in that style and create their own characters. Ever since I can remember, I would try to draw Sailor Moon and fall flat on my face. I would try to mimic the ways that manga artists would draw their characters but it felt so foreign to me with the huge eyes and pupils and weirdly shaped heads. It still is a struggle today but I ended up improving after many tries.

From the training I do have, it has been more of a traditional one. I would focus on photo realism and be disappointed that my drawings and paintings weren't exactly what I saw before me. I feel like my art style leans between realism and cartoonish, I'm still figuring out a name for that. I have to remind myself to this very day that my style is what makes my art special. As mentioned in my bio, I aim to make my paintings or drawings to look real and surreal at the same time. My problem was that I didn't see the beauty of that but now I do. 

The masters weren't great in the beginning of their careers and had to explore their niches as well. It's not like Monet got up and created his iconic paintings right away. I'm still in the stages of finding what I identify with that makes me who I am. I'm not even sure if I will ever have a place in the art world and inspire a movement. But for the moment, I'm taking a step at a time and learning new things.